I, like so many, love a delicious caffeinated beverage. At home, I relied on the massively-popular-in-the-Northeast chain, Dunkin Donuts, for my daily fix. As an Oberlin student, I am nine miles away from the closest Dunks branch (in Lorain btw). So I am forced to live virtually without any medium-iced-caramel-swirl-with-skim-milks (you heard me Talia). If you're like me, and rely on holding a plastic cup in your hand to complete your Nancy Botwin aesthetic, let me assure you that there is nothing to fear. While Oberlin doesn't have the caloric bliss of Dunkin's, there are plenty of good options. I will systemically list them for you here.
DeCafé
A no-brainer! DeCafé is open, like, all the time, and coffee here is cheap as heck! You go right over to the corner between the Smoothie Station and Sandwich Bar and fill up a cup with a mysterious liquid known as "frappuccino." Some days it's too bitter, and other days it's basically just chocolate syrup and half & half. Since the frappuccino is so unpredictable, I refer to this exercise as DeCafé Roulette. And just like in regular roulette, you most likely won't like the results.
Azariah's (in Mudd)
Let me make this clear: you will have only wound up in Mudd in the first place by some cruel twist of fate. For that reason, ordering a coffee at Azariah's is a well-deserved chance to treat yourself. So I recommend forgoing the coffee and just getting a milkshake. The third-year working will give you a harsh look, or maybe even say something passive aggressive, which only makes that milkshake sweeter! After you're done in Azariah's, RUN! Run away from Mudd as far and as fast as you can! Everyone knows that Mudd emits a low level of radiation that becomes toxic after thirty minutes!
Stevie
If you're drinking Stevie coffee, it's Sunday, and you're hungover.
McDonald's
You came all the way here just for the coffee? Well, if you've made it this far, get a milkshake, and then take that milkshake and flaunt it around Azariah's. Sweet vengeance! (don't forget about the radiation!)
The Local
I have no sources to back me up, but The Local is basically just Slow Train inside a cave. Everyone inside looks up when you walk in, mostly because they are desperate for sunlight. You can see it in their wild, bloodshot eyes. You obviously order a medium iced filthy chai, because who has the time to drink a large?! You take it to your Poetry workshop in hopes that everyone there will be super jealous (they'll be too busy trying to figure out what makes a word "glow").
Slow Train
Slow Train is a really great place to see your Poetry Professor drinking a glass of red wine. You go here for the ambiance and the quality of beverages, but secretly so that everyone else knows you really care about your coffee. An outpost of Hipster Paradise™, Slow Train comes complete with outdated posters for TIMARA recitals and a rustic wooden countertop where your Russian Professor is reading the New York Times, totally distraught! Since Slow Train and The Local are, I guess, the same thing, you go in and get a filthy chai here too. Or you can get whatever. Live your life, pal!
Now the caffeine is coursing through your veins. You feel powerful. You feel unstoppable. You attempt to write that Philosophy paper due in two hours that you've been putting off. What the heck is utilitarianism anyway? Godspeed.
