Two summers ago, before I started my first year of college, I spent a few days in Japan on my way to visit family in China. In Japan, I bought three Daruma, which are little red, round dolls that have blank white eyes. When you buy them, you set a goal or make a wish and fill in the left eye. When the goal is achieved, you fill in the right eye.
Currently, I have the same one-eyed Daruma from last year displayed at eye level on my desk. I set a goal around last winter that I would have one “good” term, where I didn’t miss any classes (except if I was sick, of course) and didn’t need incompletes on my finals. This was significant because I had struggled a lot last fall, partially from the transition to college, but mostly because my chronic fatigue (officially, ME/CFS) had come back stronger than ever before.
Over winter term, I finally got approved for accommodations, which completely changed the course of my spring term. Initially, I requested extra time on exams (for ADHD), but after a few conversations with people from ODA, they also approved me for early registration, which allowed me to register for classes a day earlier so I could make sure I wasn’t stuck taking early morning classes, and an online note-taking software called Glean that is super helpful for my ADHD.
In the spring, I managed to make it to all my classes (thank you, accommodations!) minus five awful days when I had a terrible cold, I committed to actually doing the readings, and I got most of my work done on time (or one day late, which isn’t bad considering I turned in an essay a month late in the fall). However, the price of my straight As was my social life. Bye bye weekly movie nights and Sunday dinners (where my friends and I would cook a homemade meal) and hello to getting kicked out of the library at midnight!
So this term, taking into consideration the past few terms and what worked (and what didn’t), here are my three goals:
1. Keep up my grades.
This one is important for obvious reasons. I know, I know, grades are totally subjective and a reflection of academic standards of acceptability that don’t actually say anything about your worth or intelligence or whatever… but I do plan on going to grad school. Plus, it has a bit of a personal meaning. To me, it proves that I’m capable of doing what everyone else can and be successful at it too, despite having a chronic illness. (Also, it’s like impossible to find a good internship that doesn’t have a GPA minimum these days.)
1a. Maintain a work-life balance.
This subsection was added to avoid a repeat of spring term, where I basically existed in three spaces only (King, the library, and my room—specifically, at my desk). I always do this thing where I get super excited about an event and put it down in my calendar, but when it’s time to actually go, I’m too “tired” or “drained” and end up skipping. No more of that this term!
2. Establish healthier habits.
Healthier habits aren’t just about going to bed and waking up at a respectable time or washing my hair more often or eating a fruit or veggie twice a day. While these things are important for my physical health and managing fatigue, I also want to plan ahead and stop procrastinating on little things like responding to emails, putting up posters that have just been sitting in a drawer, and getting dressed to get coffee (all things that I’m supposed to be doing right now). Lifestyle changes build up confidence and are important for your mental health.
3. Keep in touch with friends (from home) and family.
When I went home this summer, I realized I didn’t have anyone to hang out with. I grew up with the same people through the public elementary and middle school system but lost touch with them in high school when I was a commuter at a boarding school. After high school graduation, everyone went home, and I didn’t have many high school friends nearby. But after four years, I was too nervous to reach out to my childhood friends. It was a pretty quiet summer, socially. I’m determined to not let that happen again! My sister is also starting high school this year, and I want to be there for her since I was so busy during high school that I feel like I missed out on her middle school years.
I’m writing this post and—despite it being very scary to be vulnerable with strangers—putting it on the internet for everyone to see because I hope that it might help other students feeling overwhelmed or like they’re not in control of their lives for whatever reason (chronic illness or not). It can be lonely. Nobody really likes to publicize their struggles, especially when there’s still a lot of stigma around mental health and needing accommodations.
I’m admittedly feeling nervous about how this term will go. I know that regaining confidence and making major lifestyle changes takes time or whatever, but it’s much harder to notice progress when it’s day by day. Hopefully, by December (the end of fall term), I’ll be able to look back and see that my efforts have paid off and finally get to give my Daruma its right eye.
